Late one Friday night, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
"Aye, so I have. It's Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five of those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and of course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later..." Then, the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyser test."
Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!"
Sunday, August 29, 2010
A guy is stranded on a desert isle, alone for 10 years. One day, he sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks, it's not a ship. The speck gets a little closer, and he thinks, it's not a boat. The speck gets even closer and he thinks, it's not a raft. Then, out of the surf comes a gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wetsuit and scuba gear.
She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!" he says. She reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and says, "Man, oh, man! Is that good!"
Then she asks, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey? He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask, and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
She starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down to the front of her wet suit, and she says to him, "How long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?" The man replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got a pool table in there!"
She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!" he says. She reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and says, "Man, oh, man! Is that good!"
Then she asks, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey? He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask, and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
She starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down to the front of her wet suit, and she says to him, "How long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?" The man replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got a pool table in there!"
This guy goes into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder and orders a beer and a whiskey, he takes a sip of Guinness and gives the monkey the whiskey. The monkey knocks back the whiskey. The guy then punches the monkey square in the face knocking it to the floor. The monkey gets up moves to the front of the guy, unzips his trousers and begins to perform oral on him, when finished the monkey slowly climes back on to the guys shoulder.
The Barman and another customer had been watching the whole event.
The barman then approaches the guy and asked him if can he have a go with his monkey. The guy says no problem and places the monkey on the barman's shoulder the barman sets up the drinks as before takes a sip of the Guinness and gives the monkey the whiskey. On finishing the whiskey the barman punches the monkey who proceeds to carry out the act as before.
At this point the other customer comes forward and says in a shy embarrassed manner "Excuse me sir, but I have been watching you and your monkey, do you think it would be possible for me to try?" Once again being an obliging chap the guy says "No Problem" the customer then says "Great but there's just one condition," "What's that enquires the guy". The customer responds, "You must promise not to hit me as hard as you hit the monkey."
The Barman and another customer had been watching the whole event.
The barman then approaches the guy and asked him if can he have a go with his monkey. The guy says no problem and places the monkey on the barman's shoulder the barman sets up the drinks as before takes a sip of the Guinness and gives the monkey the whiskey. On finishing the whiskey the barman punches the monkey who proceeds to carry out the act as before.
At this point the other customer comes forward and says in a shy embarrassed manner "Excuse me sir, but I have been watching you and your monkey, do you think it would be possible for me to try?" Once again being an obliging chap the guy says "No Problem" the customer then says "Great but there's just one condition," "What's that enquires the guy". The customer responds, "You must promise not to hit me as hard as you hit the monkey."
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